still.. these 3 years in NUS are some of my most extraordinary years -- i wasn't even supposed to be here. don't measure experiences in terms of success or loss; of profit or gain. the point of Life, really, is lost when one takes measure in commercial terms.
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until now.. happiness, fun, dreams -- everything that fills this human bean -- take a backseat; willingly.. allow someone else to do the driving now.. let their lives take centrestage.
until we need to realise there's no more time.

time lapsed.. life goes on in the outside world.. other people's time. and now the cracked pieces of reality fall back in. it's time to do a little patching back, to realise life's not about us, us, us; it's not about fun, nor about the pursuit of happiness. it's not only about the highs, forgetting the lows. and life shouldn't be a drug.
there are things we need to do; sometimes the things we want can wait -- even from my narrow scope of things.



something i've learnt from social work. Love me when i least deserve it. coz that's when i need it the most.

these delightful memories.. somehow being alive is a grand and glorious thing. these fabulous memories making machines.

so nobody told you it was going to be like that.
NUS was dreamscape; took one beyond wildest dreams and nightmares.

yr 1 was glorious madness. nussu, usc. simin! she was such a big influence in everything i did.. rather gladly too. tink was happily trodding the path she's taken.. until i met jeff. strange how it took 2 guys of the exact same fit; 2 loves of the exact same depth; to destroy the idealised concept of LOVE forever. still; the days of being wild was filled with many a dangerous temptation.
that year i learnt more about life than i ever did in my last 20 years. i made the best decisions, and the worst mistakes; flew the highest and crashed the hardest. was the most miserable. i lost friends, but they weren't worth keeping. but i was truly truly drunk on life. and the hangover was hell.
this year could be described as a fusion of warm and cool jazz; all in one sitting. one gets a fever from too much too soon.

yr 2 was the year i decided to major in social work. it was also filled with wanxin, kc, jojo. we used to club often in those years in yr 1 and 2. we didn't exactly get along as a collective group. but to kc's chagrin.. mambo always was magic.
then came wanxin and the many delightful boy-crazed hours..we spent together.. wx hiding from a certain scout.. me raking my mind for excuses to stake out a certain -friend-. oh! and her wonderful taste in music.. brought me a whole new level higher on my appreciation of indie music. these were my true college years coz i had a close girl friend! tink was of course v. much tickled by being constantly in the company of a hot babe. and then she graduated..

2 other favourite places in NUS included the guild house, where i'll swim and steam twice weekly; hiding away for some "alone" time.. and the co-opt with it's large variety of fiction(i read) and delectable confectionery.

my last year, was like nothing i've experienced before but something i've always secretly wanted. well, i actually made some friends from arts and usp.
weekly breakfast with kenneth was the icing on top of the cherry. the dewy mornings at arts canteen breakfast..with long, drawn out philosophical talks about nothing and everything in particular; with the only guy who's as constant as a rock in turbulent waters.

much of my time, was devoted to spending as much as possible with someone who's affection has been so carefully cultivated. aside from the once weekly outing, and then salsa, diving, fancy functions, moonlighting.. we spent a considerable bit of time together. then the intensive studying was the perfect excuse to meet everyday.
on hindsight now; and then, in foresight - there were NO regrets. these were some of the grandest days of my life. time flew by.. even in the confines of our narrow room(s).
we'll try live out the great adventures, like those places in the photos of the canteen.. or sharing songs and stories; or arguing about nothing. i loved it when we decorated the place, or when he demarcate our boundaries. there was little contact with the outside world except for classes; and days when we sneaked out for a musical(movie) or two, or when friends came to visit.
don't accuse me of forgetting; be fair to me. it's ur turn to go thru the full range of emotions aye? don't avoid.. then we can experience all of life. we're not on drugs.

i can't use 'we' so i'll speak for myself. i didn't need jazz. i didn't think i needed my dreams. i didn't need to plan for the future. i didn't even need to be me coz i wanted you to be you so much. everyday was exactly the same, but everyday was more than enough!
and when we lose track of time, of life.. terrible things begin to happen in the world outside. illnesses and death took place; there was nobody to fight those demons.. no willpower or effort to keep them at bay.

remember we almost had it all.

so it was the night of the span alumni gathering. was pretty excited -- got my costumes ready. my friends were pretty keen too..
it went well

in a bid to recapture a little of the magic it was like, to be a wide eye student.. i literally took a drive back in memory lane. the houses were still there.. the places were still there.. the memories of the feelings were still there.
they didn't come back strong. rather.. in bits and pieces.. as if forcing you to connect the dots.

Time came along and wield its power.

but it is strangely distant. how does remembering the past makes one
maybe you feel ur priorities were wrong in the past. maybe u're much happier now.

then i didn't understnad the suffering, and was unwilling to admit to it. with jingyi -- we talked about the future.. but now


it's all things past. still the same dreams but no longer can afford to live them out loud. they say repressed dreams come back fiercer, stronger.
perhaps at some point in life we're no longer allowed to feel. this is one of those times.